I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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