you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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