i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
