I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
