You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
