R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
