it hurts more in the daytime
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
