drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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