Already got asked if we're dating
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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