Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
