This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
