I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
