Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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