Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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