Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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