Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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