I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
