Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The Olympian is in my bed
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
