Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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