just tell him i said nine months
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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