I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
