my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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