you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
