I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
