He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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