I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
