$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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