She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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