you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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