Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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