I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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