maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
