Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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