Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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