Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize