I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize