She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
