We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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