im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
