dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
tequila makes me forget i have legs
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize