i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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