people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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