I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize