I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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