So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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