im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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