hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
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