I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We need a shit load of segways right now
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
