Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
