I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
