He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
