Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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