I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
