Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
BRING THE BAGELS
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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