you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
