my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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