the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
