my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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