Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i think i just lost a toe
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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