Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The police scanner is talking about you again....
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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