she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
