either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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