Don't you send me to vm
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
