is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
