I don't usually arrange sex via text message
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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